Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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