I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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