Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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