So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
