I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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