here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
