what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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