So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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