It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
