taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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