I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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