fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
