we have pet lesbian snakes
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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