I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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