All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
