ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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