this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
