My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
