He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
