Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
