sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Couch. On fire.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
