you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want nice things and good sex
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
God, I missed his penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
