A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
