i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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