you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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