I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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