my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize