chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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