guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
