i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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