Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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