spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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