I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
