This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My balls are so social today.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
