No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
