bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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