you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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