I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
