I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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