You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
