Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I understand Curling. That high.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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