so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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