just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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