I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
