She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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