What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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