You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
