I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sarcasm needs its own font
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
