sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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