apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
