You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
