The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
