I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
