We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
