Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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