so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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