Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My dick has a subreddit
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
