Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
