Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
