he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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