the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
